Every mother and I am sure every parent feels this throughout some stage of parenthood. Especially when it involves not being able to be there for your children.
This past Christmas we had a lot of family trauma with deaths and hospitalisations. However, nothing hit me more than my baby boy being rushed to intensive care at only six weeks old. Nothing prepares you for those uncontrollable tears and feelings of helplessness, when your told he’s in a critical condition and was close to not being here with us.
To make it a little more harder on my partner and I it was Christmas week. My all time favourite time of the year was just up in smoke. However, I did not care all I wanted was my baby home with his brother, dad and I. Christmas could have went to Mars for all I cared.
This is were my guilt crept in!
Even though I had one very sick boy in hospital fighting for his life. I still had a very excited four year old at home counting down the days until Santa arrived. He had no idea what was going on. Just that his brother was in hospital getting better.
We had made all these plans for Christmas week as he would be off school for the holidays. All these plans fell through due too our family situation. The little guy was passed from pillar to post during the baby’s critical days in hospital.
All through the holidays all I done was cry. Either because I felt so guilty because I was so helpless in doing anything for the baby ad machines were doing it all for him. And on the other hand because the little guys Christmas wasn’t what we talked about and planned with each other and you could see how upset he was everytime he was dropped off to granny and grandas while we went to hospital.
It was during the quiet times the guilt was getting to me before going to bed at night or first thing in the morning. I was racking my brain on what I could do to fix the awful things that were happening. However, I couldn’t fix the baby’s situation all I could do was be there for him. And I couldn’t make plans for Christmas activities as I needed to be at hospital until the baby was out from those critical life saving days.
Our children look up to us as the person who can fix everything. The person that’s holds the family together and keeps everything going. However, I did not manage to carry out those action s our children think we can do and our society. Throughout my family for generations the mother has always been the matriarch. I sure as hell did not feel like that over these last few weeks. I felt like a failure. I felt like I let my children down and partner down as I was being pulled from one family matter to another to also my own.
I have always said to my parents friends that you should not feel guilty about your children if you know you have done your best. Now from first experience it’s hard. A Mother’s Guilt is real. It’s a way that we punish ourselves for not being able to be there for our children in the way we want to in certain situations. Our own expectations of ourselves as parents have somewhat be faultered from the way we think parents should be.
I have come to realise that we are all only human and there is no such thing as a SUPER MUM or SUPER DAD. Yes we will all feel guilty from time to time throughout some of the parenting situations we are in or decision makings we make. But that does not stop us being the super amazing, caring and loving parents we are.
So don’t tear yourself down or apart. Because in the end you will come out a stronger person and parent with hindsight of what actions you could of applied to certain situations to the next.